When it comes to bullying, it hits home for me. I do a lot of it... but the difference is, its concentual and playful. When I was 15 years old, my best friend at the time liked a boy that didn't like her back and confessed to her that he liked me instead. She was hurt and took it out on me. She started making up all of these lies about me to turn other girls against me and start to bully me. High school became torturous for me and I felt like I lost all my friends. I was bullied in the locker room, received death threats in my locker, was pushed into walls, and called very horrible names. I told my mom and principle but nothing really was done and things only escalated.
When I was 15, I attempted suicide. I'm good at a lot of things, but luckily failed at this. I ended up in the hospital, spent the rest of the school year there, and everyone around me seemed to "wake up."
I am open about this because it doesn't define me. It happened. It was real but it lived and died in the past. I know what its like to be in the depths of dispair and feel like there is no light or way out. And the thing is, bullying, like any negative reaction to someone, stems from the hurt and misery that the person instigating the behaviour feels. I know this now and can rise above that today...but its only because of my past that shaped me into the woman I am proud to be today. Suffice to say, I've grown quite a bit.
So what does this all have to do with Wrestling? Well, frankly...I find myself in a position again where I am being bullied. But different than when I was 15, now we have the internet. Its crazy to think about that in today's age, how these things can get out of hand. People hide behind their computer's and can say whatever they want to say with little to no consequences. I was talking to my friend last night and he was saying to me that truly nice people have a hard time accepting or understanding why someone ISN'T nice.. and yeah, I guess, I don't understand how people can truly be so malicious. But again, through the eyes of a bully...they are hurt and lash out. I get it, I just don't understand it.
Right now, a person from my past by the name of Ron Weberman is purposely trying to slander my character by creating a string of lies about me being a prostitute and whore because "I fell on hard times with a few of my business ventures and looked to sex to replace that lost money." He is claiming I use sessions to solicit these "favors." My old self might have freaked out, but I am a lot stronger than I used to be. I know myself. I cherish myself. And I live my life built on integrity. I'm not here to judge anyone. Its your life, you take control on how you want it to go. For anyone that choses to have their profession be within those terms, that is their life of their choosing. However, for me, I do not chose that road. I know who I am and what is real and I shouldn't have to defend it. Anyone who has half a brain and knows me, knows I am the real deal as far as a Sessions Wrestler is concerned. I do not need to mix sexual solicitations into the mix because "I'm down on my luck."
For those that like gossip, well you may get duped. The real deal is Ron and I had a falling out years ago. I asked him several times politely via email to accept it and move on. The relationship we had crossed the line way too many times and I got fed up with his constant power trip and trying to control me... all stemming from obsession. Obsession is a scary thing. It will conume every thought and cell in your body's chemistry if you let it. His obsession with me that he masked with unconditional love came with an ultimate price. He helped me get started in the business and promoted me a lot. He was instrumental in helping me get recognition and success, and for that, I am grateful. But over the years of a series of emotional, controlling, bi-polar, obsessive, blackmailing, and threatening episodes, it pushed me over the tipping point and I had to say, "ENOUGH!" I was done. I needed peace. I needed sanity.
I took some much needed time off to re-evaluate some things in my life. I came back to Sessions wrestling a few years later stronger, clearer, healthier, and happier than ever before. And before I knew it, I was kicking butt again, but this time, on my terms. I found MY voice in this sessions world.
Well, he didn't like my success without him in it. He tried to get back into my life again and I politely turned him down. Honestly, what's done is done, and at that point, I couldn't go back into the rabbithole. I needed to distance myself for my own sanity and peace of mind, which if you don't know by now, I value a lot! I took the high road and wished him well but needed to keep the separation between us. I'm simply not comfortable sessioning or shooting with him. As Session Girls, we too, have a list of people we won't see because of issues in the past and we reserve this right as a VERY basic right.
Dispite my wishes, he wouldn't take no for an answer and the string of angry threatening name calling emails started up again. The very thing that caused me to distance myself to begin with! I have every single email he ever wrote me saved as a case file. Some highlights recently:
"You ignore me? Watch how vindictive I can get if you've decided to get back doing sessions."
"And no, it was no threat! But as you know, I'm very opinionated about the girls in this scene. I'm not liked by everyone. We all have our haters. You certainly have at times. The difference is, the people who hate me still listen to what I have to say. And I'll be saying a whole bunch."
"Although absolutely none of this is my fault, would any amount of groveling help? Please?"
"So keep bashing me to a nothing like *** after all the times I protected you from your haters! I hope you've had a good time cunt, because mine is about to start!"
"Turning me down is the worst fucking thing you've done to me, and if you continue to turn me down, you leave me no choice. And again, I want every video and clip you've ever shot with me off your site and clips4sale store. I don't wanna be associated in any manner with a HO like you."
"Trust me when I tell you that I haven't forgotten about you and the shit you've pulled on me. It's just that when I'm getting ready to publically bash you or report your illegal activities, I think about back in the day, when you and I had much better relations. About the times when we first met, when I considered you the most beautiful, talented lady in the world."
"You don't wanna session with me? You don't wanna shioot a custom with me? Fuck you! After all we've been through! I'm gonna continue to follow through with my reporting of you! All jailable offenses! Maybe you can session with your attorney!"
"I'm ready to put everything to the side. My vindictiveness. My attack on your promiscuity during sessions. Any negativity that I've had towards you. I'm ready to turn things around, and even promote you if you want me to, just like in the past. I'll be ready to do all this in return for a paid session! Please? I beg you!"
"As long as I am involved in the scene, Nikki Fierce is going to die a slow painful death."
I've had my share of haters in the past. It comes with the territory. A very wise person once said, "If everybody likes you, You're doing something wrong."
Haha. Perhaps so..
I ask of you to use your critical thinking skills. I do not put this out here to start or even continue a war. I haven't seen him in over 7 years, and haven't really spoken to him in about 4 other than a couple of email exchanges. I'm sorry things turned out this way. I forgive him and hope that he can and will find his own peace and happiness. You can't depend on anyone else for that. You must do that for yourself.
I know who I am and I know my truth. Anyone who knows me does too.
I'm proud of my 15 year old self making her way into this 30 something year old Self. Its been a journey...but isn't that the fun part. :)
Be Happy. Be Well. Thanks for reading.
Nikki Fierce xoKO
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!